I love Wikipedia. The Wik’s to-the-point descriptions are uncanny. Like this entry for passive-aggressive:
Passive-aggressive behavior refers to passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. It is a defense mechanism, and (more often than not) only partly conscious.
Wow. Not sure about you, but I, apparently, am a passive-aggressive dick. Whatever. Not my fault.
Anyway, my boss told me I had to write a post today (Pfft. I’d expect that from him.), so here’s my Passive-Aggressive Guide to Social Media:
Blame others
- Use phrases like “I was misquoted” or “I was taken out of context.”
- Say things like “ROI doesn’t matter…you’re missing the point.”
- Call your boss a dinosaur — an obsolete fuddydud who doesn’t know bupkus about the industry
Complain, complain, complain
- Twitter’s the best tool for this. Well, it would be, if they could get their stupid search function to work and fix the @replies.
- BLOG: Bitch, Lament, Object, Groan
- This is what Facebook was created for, right?
Lie
- Make up elaborate stories to get attention.
- Subscribe to your own RSS feed to inflate your numbers
- Create a separate Twitter account and follow yourself. Then send yourself @replies about how smart you are.
- Drop names of people who don’t actually know you. (Okay, I got this one from Michael Phelps, but he said it’s cool if I use it.)
- Write blog posts, but don’t publish them. Better yet, don’t even write them. Just think of them. Nobody reads your stuff anyway.
- Think about people you’ve met through social media — people you’d like to get to know better — then put off connecting with them.
- Don’t respond to blog comments.
- Put off actual work so you can complain on Twitter about your work.
Fear competition
- Check your co-workers’, competitors’, and customers’ blogs incessantly. You know…keep your enemies closer, and all.
- Create accounts on the social networks using your competitors’ names. Ha! Take that, bitches!
- Protect your updates on Twitter so nobody steals your ideas.
- Block your competitors from following you.
- Reject all offers for guest posts.
Embrace inefficiency
- Spend all day talking about social media instead of using social media to achieve meaningful goals
- Write inflammatory blog posts just to stir up the hornets’ nest
Resist suggestions
- Seems kinda counter-intuitive to put a suggestion here, don’tcha think? Idiot.